wings.

“If we listened to our intellect we’d never have a love affair. We’d never have a friendship. We’d never go in business because we’d be cynical: "It’s gonna go wrong.” Or “She’s going to hurt me.” Or “I’ve had a couple of bad love affairs, so therefore…” Well, that’s nonsense. You’re going to miss life. You’ve got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down.”

-Ray Bradbury

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White, bright, clean and clear. Lovely day.

She Did

She'd putter around the garden and yard all morning long. When it was announced that it was time to go inside for lunch, it would take another ten minutes to walk from the garden to the house because she'd see something on the lawn - a dandelion, no doubt - and would stoop down and dig it up. She hated dandelions. Then she'd see a branch that needed pruning, so she'd stand on her tip-toes and cut it with those tiny hand sheers she carried with her every where. She loved her trees and her plants, my Gram did.

Finally, we'd make it inside for lunch where she always fed us a delicious lunch. Except when she'd force feed us hominy -- definitely not a favorite, which she knew, but insisted that it was good for us. As tradition held, we'd have lunch over the Game Show Network until Matlock came on (1 pm on KJZZ 14). She loved Matlock, my Gram did.

Two o'clock would roll around and it was back outside to the grind. More work in the garden, more puttering around the yard in the heat of those summer days. After a few more hours of us complaining about the heat, we'd go back inside and relax for the rest of the afternoon until Mom came to pick us up. We took those lazy afternoons to watch the Disney Channel, a luxury for us, while Grandma cut beans for canning or shelled walnuts. She loved her walnut trees, my Gram did.

And then Mom would come. We'd say bye to her, each of us knowing we'd be back the next day, and the next day after that, and every day after that until summer's end and fall's begin brought the start of a new school year. Every summer day we'd spend with her, not realizing how special that time was. Because she loved us, my Grammy did, more than we ever knew.

This Year

When I arrived in England three years ago, I did so with very few possessions. Clothes, mostly, and my lap top. I lived simply...I hardly bought anything because every thing was so expensive and the things I did buy were out of necessity: shampoo, soap, food, etc.

I didn't buy clothes. I didn't buy home decor. I didn't buy expensive phones....

I lived on only what I needed. I hadn't really realized that until just the past few weeks. Some of the stuff I boxed and stored away before I went to England are still boxed and stored away. I went without those things for so long that I forgot I had them.

Anyway, I want to get back to that. Been home almost three years and oh, how it's easy to get back to the excessive and the luxurious. So, I've been going through my stuff, slowly, bit by bit, and getting rid of what I don't need; what I haven't used in ages, what I haven't worn or read...Even my apartment is too much. It's too big. Neither I nor my roommates really use the living room. We keep to our rooms. We never use the powder room. We don't even have a kitchen table -- that's how little time we spend in the kitchen. We cook and eat at the bar.

I want to go back to the days where I lived on only what I needed. Heck, I lived for almost two months in various hostels around Europe with ONLY what I could carry on my back: two, maybe three, pairs of pants, a pair of shoes, five or six shirts, toiletries and the unmentionables. Didn't even have a lap top with me a lot of the time -- internet cafes are a beautiful thing.

Good crap. I lived in hostels and carried what I needed on my back. Everything I have now seems so excessive.

One thing has stuck, though: after having spent so may nights in hostels, sharing rooms with a dozen (or more) stranger, with the snoring, and the loud talking, and people waking up at 3 am to catch a flight, or people coming in at 3 am from a night now -- when traveling now, I could care less where I stay. I went on a business trip back in September and stayed in some apparently shady hotels. I didn't care or notice because as long as it had a bed and running water, I was good. My boss apologized to me for the poor hotels, but good grief, I didn't even notice. A hotel room to myself with a queen size bed and cable? That's like staying at the Ritz.

And so, this year: live on less -- back to the basics -- only the essentials. Be free again; don't have to be living in Europe to do that. Stop worrying so much. It'll all come out in the wash. Trust and faith and do.

Snowdonia National Park, Northern Wales, February 2009

You're awesome....no, really.

My family likes technology. Except my older sister. She loathes the iPhone, but is constantly playing with her husband's iPhone or mine. Sometimes we'll be talking about apps or other technology and she'll blurt out -- "OH MY GOSH. BORED!" or "OH MY GOSH, I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW NERDY THIS IS." The other night, she informed us she is going to make a print that says, "Help me, I'm being nerded," and hang it in the house.

But, MY HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED. She lost her archaic phone recently and her husband gave her no choice but to use his old iPhone. She is so distressed that she is an iPhone owner now. I mean, I never thought anyone would be so upset to get a free iPhone, but she is. Maybe now we won't have to listen to her complain about being "nerded". Maybe she'll learn to love the iPhone. It's inevitable.

Likewise, my mom isn't a technology person...she can use technologyjust fine, but she doesn't want an iPhone. Funnily enough, she too is always playing on my phone. Hm. My, my, my.

I think this technology thing stems from my father, who is soooort of a huge computer/technology nerd. The man has like 3 computers and like 18 eReaders and probably like 7 back-up iPhones. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but I'm just trying to give some background. Love you, Papa!

Anyways, the other day, after backing up my phone, I reset it to the factory settings because it was doing some funky stuff. Then, I could clean it out and restore it from the back up. No problem, right? Oh, ho.

Prepare to be nerded. Actually, this story isn't so much about the technology as it is about my mother.

So, I recently got a new laptop. I had recently backed up my phone on both the new and old lap top. But apparently the back up failed and I didn't realize this. So, there I am, freaking out that I just lost all my contacts and photos. Forget about the contacts, all I cared about were the photos. The camera on my phone is better than most point and shoots, so I take a looooot of photos with it.

Picture, if you will, me sitting at the bar in our basement with both lap tops sitting on the counter. I've got an extremely large external hard drive (it's old, so it's ginormo) plugged into one lap top and my phone plugged into the other. I'm moving files around like mad because the hard drive on the old lap top is full and I need space for the back up/restore. Meanwhile, the new lap top has two hard drives and, for the life of me, I can't figure it out. So, I'm moving program files around on the new lap top trying to create space--or, you know, otherwise known as breaking things.

Meanwhile, my family is sitting on the couch watching SATURDAY'S WARRIOR for the sole reason of laughing at it (a story for another time). Things keep breaking and the phone won't restore from the back up and I am periodically hitting my head on the counter (kinda, sorta literally) while intermittently singing along with my family to Saturday's Warrior..."I've got my father and mother, sister and broooother..."

After hours -- HOURS -- of working on getting my phone restored, I turned to my mom and sister, who were on the couch talking after the movie concluded. My mom asked if I got it figured out and informed me that I am just like my father, with the two lap tops, and the hard drive and the iPhone. Harmony, again, said something about being nerded, or how nerdy the talk is--

Oh, before I finish the story, I should explain my mother a bit. My mom is calm, level headed, the "normal one", not usually sarcastic like myself, but still has a fantastic sense of humor. She also never makes fun at the expense of others and just loves everyone.

Okay, so after she asked me if I got it figured out, I launch into a long, complicated and "nerdy" answer, which I shall abridge for you now:

"Welllllll, sort of. Before I backed the phone up....but hard drive was full....lost my contacts, but it's really the pictures I care about...new lap top has two hard drive....Dad said it's SSD something, don't know what that means....lost pictures...so sad, Mama...old lap top has correct back up, but it's two months old.....will have lost all info on phone from the last two months....

"...but all I really care about are pictures....luckily.....new lap top, turned on iCloud for a bit....photos were on Photo Stream, but deleted them....luckily, they were still in Recycle Bin....added them back to My Pictures....moved program files around....MOM, I broke my new lap top.....can't even browse internet....

"...but at least I have pictures from those two months......need to back up files....not enough room on hard drive.....but have contacts and partial back up better than none."

After probably five to ten minutes, I finished my tale of woe while my mother and sister sat listening....or were at least pretending to listen. Folks, I was STRESSED. I had been working on this for a few hours and suffered defeat time and time again, when finally, I came out in a partial victory.

After a few seconds of silence, my mom looks at me with this look of disbelief at what she had just been subjected to listen to...or disbelief at how nerdy her daughter is...or disbelief at how much her daughter is like her father...it was just, a look of disbelief. I think in those moments of disbelief she was TRYING to muster the desire to care about everything I had just told her. She almost always humors me, like all good mothers do. After a moment, her dropped jaw turned into a slight grin, and then she offered the most loving, encouraging and congratulatory words a mother could provide:

"You're awesome."

Words dripping with sarcasm, I tell you. SHE MADE FUN OF ME! HA!! My mother does not make fun of people, especially when they are under genuine distress, and she is certainly never sarcastic when someone is so upset. That tactic is usually used by my sisters and I, but it was HILARIOUS because I was SERIOUSLY stressed out and she thought it was sooo amusing. It's like when your kids are toddlers or preschool age and they get so mad because their alphabet soup has numbers in it or something. And they get so upset they fold their arms and cry and it takes every fiber of your being to not laugh at them, all the while you VIDEO RECORD them to be used to embarrass them during their teenage years.

Well, yes, that is me..except I'm not four, I'm twenty-four. And it's funny because I wonder how much my mother chuckles to herself when I'm being extremely naive and irrational. It's an experienced, knowing chuckle of a much wiser person who is just letting their offspring learn for them self. But sometimes, you just gotta laugh.

But I fixed my phone, and my lap top. So who's laughing now?

That's a lie. I only partially fixed both, but I'm awesome. My mom told me so.

Corner Office

There is an obscene amount of drafts full of half sentences and partial thoughts saved on this blog. Never posted, never completed. I've lost my voice somewhat these past few months, not sure how or why or when...but, I do know one thing: this photo is perfect.

The set up is what I want in my room more than anything. A chair with a view out a window -- a window at the perfect height to look down on the people bustling about below, or to look up, up, up at the sky and the stars. There must be a book -- in fact, there will be many books -- hot chocolate, a candle for ambiance, a blanket, and hopefully someday a dog.

I've been on the hunt for the perfect arm chair with no luck. There is a corner in my room next to the window I have been reserving for a happy situation such as the one pictured above. A situation where I can curl up with a book on those dark days of winter or lounge with my feet up on those sunny summer days. I'll find it, that chair, and it'll go in that quiet corner. It will be the corner office of my evenings.

The peace and tranquility of such a set up is likely a metaphor for my state of mind. Yes, it's true, my mind has been in a dither these last few months and has been too preoccupied to realize just how much it needs some peace and quiet...to be still for just a bit. And it might be true that I have not been writing here much because a) I've been busy and b) it's a form of avoidance. Though I do love writing, it's been quite difficult lately. The avoidance from writing is much like how I avoid, at all costs, looking at photos from my travels. Dramatic, I know, but if I give myself time and brain power to look and remember those times, I find myself getting sad and, if given too much time, longing to be back there.

Not healthy to live in the past. So, I'm looking forward. The 2012 shall be about doing. It shall be about proactivity and setting goals. I've already got some things in the works...we'll see how they go. Last year was so much about reacting to and learning from things I couldn't control; I learned a lot, but it was exhausting. So now I'm going to, in the words of Thoreau, live the life I've imagined.

How's that for an obligatory and typical New Year's post?

photo via

Rain

This weather is so incredibly appealing to me right now and I have no idea why. Maybe because it's warmer than it is here, or maybe because I fancy carrying an umbrella and wearing a scarf and rain boots, but whenever I see rain in the forecast in England, I immediately long to be there.