Been a rough go of it lately. Just trying to stay afloat.
And I miss you.
Lots of change lately and a lot more on the horizon. Am I handling it? Yes, I'm handling it. Not well, but I'm handling it. Change has never been my forte. Change is the opposite of my forte...it's my bane. Oh, is it ever my bane. But, I'm working on it. And I'm on the look out. For what? For anything and everything. Or at least I'm trying...I'm trying to keep my eyes level with the horizon rather than fearfully lowered to the ground. Is it possible to keep them up but still be terrified and just wanting to bail? Cause that's about where I am.
Anyway, we had stew and bread sticks today. Mits makes it just like you did...delicious. You'd always make stew and bread sticks for me on my birthday, even though you didn't really like it. I've only just realized the bigger picture that represents. Things aren't the same without you. Some days I still expect to see you when I walk into the living room, but then I remember...so I tend to avoid it altogether. There. That's my little confessional. I'm still avoiding coping with this. That, and I haven't really had time to cope yet.
The sisters are slowly making their way through the house. If we want something, we're supposed to make a prioritized list. I can't think of anything that I want. I feel like there's something wrong with that. Everyone has something they'd like to have, but I can't think of anything. What does that mean? It's frustrating me.
Did I tell you I got an orchid about a month ago and it's still alive? I haven't killed it yet, Gram! It's in really good shape and every time I see it, it makes me happy because it reminds me of you. Also, I could really use some help on what to do with my life...I'm at a total loss and I wish I could talk to you right now.
But, I'm trying to avoid the dark and twisties...I'm really trying for bright and shiny...so if anything, I could use some help with that, for tomorrow is the start of a new week. And to quote Brian Andreas:
If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you.Miss you. Love you.
See you later, alligator.
Love,
#1 urusai
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